I don’t agree!

“I don’t agree; I love you and nothing needs to change.” This phrase came to me during a retreat and it has continued to be relevant and a koan in my life.

Learning to not agree and to hold others with kindness is a journey. It’s easy to be agreeable (sort of)  I can be nice, easy- going, light, fun and I can also disagree which is often not seen as nice or easy going.

Does anybody else have this experience?

I don’t know about you but there are a lot of things, big and small, that I don’t agree with. I don’t agree with how the government spends my tax dollars, I don’t agree with our education model, I don’t agree with all the violence against women and children, I don’t agree with being called a consumer instead of a citizen, I don’t agree with the way we prescribe healthcare, I don’t agree with how often my son is on the computer, I don’t agree with power over structures in any form, I don’t agree with the western diet, I don’t…I imagine that’s enough for you to get the picture. (And don’t get me wrong there are also many things I agree with as well!)

I am exploring how to bring a different energy to disagreeing. The “I love you” is about letting the person/people I don’t agree with know that it doesn’t mean I don’t like them or that I am a bad person or they are a bad person its simply that I don’t agree with the norm, the story, the way something is being done or spoken about.

I can and do love many people who I disagree with. “I love you” is saying can we be kind and disagree, can we discuss something, disagree and end a conversation liking each other, knowing each other better, learning from each other.

The “nothing needs to change” is a way of letting people know that in disagreeing I am not asking them to change I am asking them to hear me, to understand and respect my feelings, needs and life experience. Often once I disagree things do change though because by speaking up I’ve changed, you’ve changed…life changes.

I don’t agree opens the door for more options, for exploring, for curiosity, creativity, conversation, for widening the lens you and I view the world from.

Recently a friend shared her experience of a challenging moment with her child. They were disagreeing and her daughter said “Mom you are an idiot, you don’t know what you are talking about” and stormed out of the room. My friend was shocked and angry but didn’t follow her daughter instead she took a pause. With some space she was able to see both her pain and her daughters pain.

Once she saw that she went to her daughter and said I don’t agree with what you said, I love you and nothing needs to change.  Meaning her daughter didn’t need to beat herself up for what she said.  Of course by expressing it this way everything did change. Because there wasn’t blaming, or labeling, there was a different level of understanding being held. They hugged, they cried, they healed.

Ironically change is the only constant in life…speaking I don’t agree, I love you and nothing needs to change (and of course it’s not the words it’s the intention you bring to conversation) is a doorway to conscious change, collaborative change…a moving from me to we kind of change. To be in an environment where it’s acceptable to not agree routinely…wow…I think that’s how we started here in the USA…and we’ve gotten a little lost.

Once again I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic…and yes even if you disagree with me. Let me know how it goes if you choose to explore not agreeing!

In peace,

Carol

Call or email for a complimentary coaching session, give yourself the gift of deep listening! Or pass it on to a friend…

www.intobalancecoaching.com

541-389-0831

carol@intobalancecoaching.com

helping people who want more life…uncover it!

Advertisement